Thursday, September 4, 2008

5. 8/10

Infidelity is a big word. And I don’t claim that the time I spent with the Beautiful Boy that night is not contained in that big word.

I spent the next two days in a haze of emotional confusion. I went to work, saw Boyfriend, spoke to friends as usual but my mind would not stop going over everything we’d said and shared that night.

Suddenly, the ‘truths’ I’d always held about relationships seemed senseless.

I’d always been the one to urge compromise, hard work, allowances and understanding when friends had relationship issues. I was famous for my 8 day rule: believing that if you’re happy enough in your relationship 8 days out of 10 then you should count your blessings. I thought 8/10 was being generous. Now, it appeared to me that there might be someone who could just possibly, theoretically, make me feel fulfilled in our relationship 9.9 days out of 10?

The old cynic in me scoffed at this, and I won’t blame you if you do too. I knew that almost anyone could appear ideal after just one night and that my judgement would be clouded by physical attraction. I also knew that the Boy was leaving for the States in another month, that he was a few years younger than me and didn’t have much long-term relationship experience. I knew that even if I could bring myself to leave Boyfriend after a decade together, it wouldn’t be a good idea to jump straight into another relationship at all.

All these reasons and a million more, but I could not deny what was happening in my heart. Where before I’d been resigned, accepting, placated to my fate, to a relationship that was stable but joyless, to a life of daily compromise and constant appeasement, I now saw a window into an alternate future. A love built on shared thoughts, mutual needs, combined energies. An easy fit.

Compatibility. An even bigger word.

10 comments:

Peonies and Polaroids said...

More. Please?

You definitely definitely have something to say and I'm so glad that you have overcome your fear of blogging. Or if not overcome it are certainly fighting it!

Meg said...

Whoa. More indeed. You are making me understand something that some one I love might well be going through.

redframe said...

peonies, you just hang in there it's still a long story and plenty of twists... i am fighting, today all the comments are making me win!

meg, that nicely takes care of the niggling doubt in my head that this is all just self-indulgent rambling. thank you!
maybe one day you can let me know how it turns out for your loved one?

Guilty Secret said...

Oh, you're amazing.

I think most people around me don't work hard enough at their relationships, give up to easily, expect too much... but 8/10? We all deserve better than that. I'm glad you realised that.

Rachel said...

I met my fiance when I still had a boyfriend (albeit on a different continent for a while). The boyfriend of the time made me feel like **** nine days out of ten, but still I didn't do anything. I met fiance, we became friends, he made me feel fantastic 9.9 days of 10. I broke up with the boyfriend. 7 years later fiance makes me feel great 9.9 days out of 10. I hope I do the same for him.

Started reading your blog this morning and am fascinated as to what is going to happen...

Charlie said...

'Where before I’d been resigned, accepting, placated to my fate, to a relationship that was stable but joyless, to a life of daily compromise and constant appeasement, I now saw a window into an alternate future.'

WOW.

Kimberly Julie said...

It's official: I'm hooked on this eerily familiar story that you're telling.

You'll be going in my feed so that I don't miss one twist or turn to this tale! :)

redframe said...

GS, I still think 8/10 ain't THAT bad, that's what a cynic I am! But I'll have to do a whole week on the topic, there is so much more to it right?
Today I realised that there is so much crap to deal with in the day to day world, your prime relationship should NOT count as one of the challenges in your day!

Welcome Rachel! I guess we'd have a lot to share about why women stick it out in negative situations... I plainly didn't know any better. So glad that you're still happy 7 years later and engaged, yay! Oh, I just realised you are peacock feathers & diamonds, what a fab theme for your wedding!

Charlie, it sounds better when you quote it! Thank you!

Kimberly, would love to read your familiar story? Thanks for feed-ing me! Your blog looks like fun, will join you there asap.

Rachel said...

Thanks Redframe x

Kimberly Julie said...

redframe, My story is quite old at this point and I'm afraid my memory would fail to serve me very well in it's retelling. And unfortunately it did not end as wonderfully as it began... you live, you learn I suppose.