Thursday, September 18, 2008

21. odds

In some ways it was wonderful that our courtship took place in this way. If we’d been in the same city we might’ve spent way too much time kissing and not dealt with half the issues that came up over the wires.

Terrible sadness, insecurities and doubt would plague me every now and then. It didn’t matter how busy I was, how often I visited with his family and friends or mine, how often he reassured me that I need only get to Madison and all would be crystal clear… I was still the same girl who stuck it out in a sad situation for many empty years, and I could not believe that all this sharing and belonging was real. On the one hand I was super excited, on the other I kept waiting for the beautiful bubble to burst.

I mean, who does it ever work out for? Who deserves this insane compatibility that just makes everything easy? Why should I be allowed to forge this incredible bond with a sane, smart, wonderful man and get to keep it, forever?
What are the odds?

5 comments:

Charlie said...

Everyone deserves love. Crazy love that lights you up in side.

Helen said...

I'm still wondering - do I deserve that feeling? I still can't quite beleive it - and in some ways I'm still waiting for the boot to fall, and him to vanish, or for it to change... I'm so happy in it now but years of feeling... grey... make you wonder - is this lovely coloured vibrant time real? can it last? I really hope so, but I'm quite afraid that it can't...

redframe said...

charlie, why didn't anyone tell me that before?! okay some of my friends tried but their relationship track records were even worse than mine... some of them are still waiting for that light, but i guess that's the start, just believing in it. I DO!

helen, ditto ditto ditto. do you remember in ghost patrick swayze had the same problem. i haven't seen that movie since i was 13 but one scene has always stuck in my head. they're having a conversation in bed and he gets scared cause it's just too good. AND THEN HE DIES. so that sucks. but i remember thinking at the time, don't be an idiot patrick, don't second guess and doubt this, just love it!

melissa said...

Ah yes. That. After a period of about 2½ very miserable years in my life (this was about 5 years ago and onward) I read this lovely essay about waiting for the other shoe to drop and why you shouldn't. It was so perfectly phrased and so compassionate. I read that thing for a long, long time, almost a year, before I would let myself truly accept it.

redframe said...

melissa, don't suppose you have that essay lying around somewhere do ya? glad you learnt to accept the love! x