Tuesday, September 23, 2008

26. beast

While we were having the best time together every day, cementing the friendship and love that we shared, I also had to battle a demon or two on my own.

Jetlag gave me sleepless nights. Sleepless nights make me over-think everything and I start calling into question things that need not be scrutinised. In those dark, silent hours in a strange bed in a faraway place, I guess I finally confronted the changes in my life, and more particularly, why it had taken me so long to make those changes. So this wasn’t a bad thing, just a hard thing.

I’d lie next to this Beautiful Boy and wonder at his peace, his self-assurance and complete lack of doubt. I was still unsure whether it had been the best thing to come flying into his arms. I still felt like all I deserved was to be miserable for a lot longer before I’d be allowed to move on and find such happiness. I felt guilty for being so happy and cynical about the long-term probability of this love remaining as it was: sweet, selfless and true.

Compounding the issue and also proving that no one is perfect, my Beautiful Boy snored like a beast. I’m a light sleeper at the best of times, but there I was in a foreign country, a foreign situation and working through mountains of issues, with the added sleep-depriving effect of his nightly cacophony.*

But my biggest challenge at the time was that we were in Boy’s territory now. Here was his home, his life and his recent past. His single, player, boy with a cute accent past! There were girls, memories of girls and stories of girls. In our first month together back home we had told each other everything about our romantic careers and I thought I was okay with everything, but being in the town where these stories had played out made it all the more real.

Boy wasn’t shoving it in my face but little things were bound to happen. I’d suggest a cosy looking restaurant for lunch and a look on his face would quickly explain that it was one of ‘their’ places. I’d be introduced to a nice girl, spend an evening talking to her and find out afterwards that she’s an ex’s best friend. I would download our photos onto his laptop and find old pictures of other girls. Now I’m usually not a jealous girl, but in this instance, with this Boy, it was driving me crazy.

The stories of girlfriends past also made me doubt the sincerity of our sweeping romance, as he had been as spontaneous and quick to fall in love before. There was the girl he had met in Madison and two weeks later he flew her out to SA with him for Christmas holidays. Stories like this made me wonder whether our whirlwind experience was all that different or special to him in any way. I’d been in one long steady relationship for all the years of my romantic life, while he’d been wooing, wining, dining and charming the pants off girls all over the world.

*Sweetheart that he is, he bought me industrial strength earplugs(!) which I luckily got used to soon enough.

9 comments:

Peonies and Polaroids said...

Oh, I feel your pain here. I was very similar when me and The Boy got together but in our case it was he who had just had a very painful breakup a month before. I was obsessed with the exes but too stubborn to actually ask about them, making the panic worse. It didn't help that his bedroom walls were covered in beautiful black and white pictures of strange, unnamed girls...

Caz said...

Ah man.. your blog is not good for my work ethic!! :) loving it lady and yep... my hair is NOT doing well! We live in a sick sick world. LOL.

Guilty Secret said...

Ouch. Makes me glad Baddie throws everything away and never had a camera!

Snoring is the worst too... everything feels so much less manageable when you're sleep deprived.

twinkle730 said...

Ugh, I totally know what you are experiencing! I think the feelings you go through when hearing about the past are very much normal. I just tell myself that you can't compare everything he did then to what you two have now. I just tell myself to be positive, that he's with me now & will be forever...hahaha!

Ugh, about the snoring. It keeps me awake too! I am also in a long distance relationship (only 3 hours apart, not too bad. We're not oceans apart!). But when we are seperated again, I miss his snoring like crazy!

Jessica @ budgetsavvybride said...

I think the beast is jealousy... it's something that I tackle constantly. I've always been that way though- I hate the thought of my fiance ever having been with someone else. To this day still hate his most recent ex, the one he left to be with me. Irrational, unproductive, self-destroying jealousy is a beast I fight on a daily basis. I totally feel your pain on that!

Jules said...

I completely understand your feeling that you should have been miserable for longer. I broke up with my boyfriend of four years, and two weeks later found my Mister. But I had been preparing for a breakup for a very, very long time. You deserve happiness, no matter when it comes to you. I promise.

Alexis said...

I to know what you are feeling. My now husband and I met only weeks after he had a really hard breakup. He suffered a lot in those months although he was happy and falling for me as I was for him. We knew right away that we were supposed to be together always but it didn't change that he had hurt inside to work through. He was very open about all of his past relationships and I understood why he hurt. I worried about his ex's for similar reasons as you and because his sisters had become very close with the most recent we couldn't really escape her, and of course there is that inherent sense of jealousy that women have. I learn everyday that he loves me and only me, it is in that way that I melt when he grins at me or wakes me early in the morning with kisses and I love you's, or cooks me dinner or is spontaneous. I know our past experiences can make new ones challenging but also that much more real and secure.
Such a beautiful story, treasure it for what it is to you here and now...

Alexis said...

p.s. we had a long distance relationship until we got married! Only two hours apart. looking back it was hard and tiring going back and forth but so so worth it! Always a day an hour a moment to look forward to!

redframe said...

peonies, i still don't know who i like less. the named or the unnamed girls!

caz, i love being bad for your work ethic! thank you!

gs, that is lucky! and amen to the sleep deprivation. it's the worst torture, i wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy! okay, maybe one or two of the exes...

twinkle, good luck with the long distance! sometimes 3 hours are just as far as 3000 miles. when you need to hold or hug someone urgently, anything beyond 20mins is too far!

jessica, wow that's such a raw, honest confession. i think that's the first step to beating it. just knowing that it's totally irrational and unfair towards both of you. hope you manage to tame that beast, if not totally obliterate it!

jules, thanks for that! what a beautiful thought. it's something i still struggle with, a little bit.

alexis, what beautiful wisdom, thank you. it's amazing how many people meet their life partner shortly after a dismal break-up? must be something to that... so glad you guys survived the distance!