Friday, September 5, 2008

7. just too hard

From the moment we set off on our weekend away, I knew it was over.
I sat next to Boyfriend in his fancy car, wondering when it had actually ended.
During the two-hour trip I think we had three conversations. None of which lasted very long.

We stopped along the way to walk on a beach. It was cold and forlorn and we had nothing to say. The reasons for my extensive unhappiness were ticking over in my mind one by one. My head was so full of the end I couldn’t open my mouth.

We went out to dinner in silence. This was not unusual for us. I wondered if he realised anything was wrong. He suggested a quiet, romantic restaurant; I balked and went into the noisy pub next to it. I pushed my dinner around on my plate, waiting for the moment when we were back at the guesthouse so we could talk in private.

Once we were settled in front of the fireplace in our room, he brought out a wine cooler. Inside it was bottle of red wine. I felt a rush of mixed emotions. Not champagne. Wine.

I opened my mouth and started to tell him why it was over.
I spoke for hours.
We went to sleep.
We got up, spent another few hours talking and crying and I was explaining and apologising and he was hurt and confused and I said that’s the point.
We just don’t understand each other. We just don’t fit. It’s just too hard.
I’m sorry.

The drive back home was long and distressing and quiet.
I finally dropped him off at his place and drove away, watching as he grew small in the rear view mirror.
It was awful.

9 comments:

Peonies and Polaroids said...

I'm not surprised it was awful. After ten years, that's a lot to lose. It was brave of you to take the leap to end it, however much you knew it was over, it's still easier sometimes to stay.

redframe said...

indeed, i found it easier to stay for so damn long... i can now pinpoint the year i should've left but didn't. no regrets though. this is my journey.

Guilty Secret said...

Oh my, that red wine in a wine cooler moment is exactly the kind of thing that would have stuck in my mind too. Sometimes things just aren't right and we have to move on. Such is life.

Mrs. S said...

I found you via Guilty Secret and am hooked!

I have been in exactly this place. And you're right it is just awful. It's nice to see that others had the same feelings. Even when you know you have to leave, it is so difficult.

m.duncan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
m.duncan said...

right now i am going through something similar to this. i dated my boyfriend for almost six years, cheated once and thought of cheating many times. i broke up with him probably 10 times in the last two years. the last time i did, i swore it was over.

a month later i decided i had made a lot of mistakes and needed to fix things with me so we could be together. i found out he had started dating a friend of ours.

i am suffering through what seems like unbearable heartache right now and your blog is taking me back to the times i knew we should break up. i'm anxious to continue reading, hoping it brings to light more of what i have, out of grief and sadness, forgotten.

thank you.

melissa said...

Your courage is admirable. I know a few people who have left decade long relationships and it is indeed difficult to actually take that step.

Charlie said...

It must have been awful. I wonder if he was going to propose? Do you ever wonder that?

I loved the bit 'watching as he grew small in the rear view mirror.'

Beautiful, I felt like I was there with you.

redframe said...

GS, funny the things that stick right? I am so glad that I did move on, I'm grateful every day! Just hope Ex has the same peace?

Mrs S, I think the biggest draw in this blogging biz is just that: sharing experiences and finding that you're not alone / a total bitch / a freak for having made those choices!

Mandy, i still want to write you a long long letter, will do it on your blog... thank you for coming here, it is my pleasure to share my story with people who need to hear it!

Melissa, it took courage at the time, looking back there was no other option.

Charlie, I used to wonder what he would've said if I'd let him speak first. I think he was ready to open the conversation towards the general direction of one day maybe getting married... So no, I don't think he was quite there yet. And I'm letting those questions go...