While we were having the best time together every day, cementing the friendship and love that we shared, I also had to battle a demon or two on my own.
Jetlag gave me sleepless nights. Sleepless nights make me over-think everything and I start calling into question things that need not be scrutinised. In those dark, silent hours in a strange bed in a faraway place, I guess I finally confronted the changes in my life, and more particularly, why it had taken me so long to make those changes. So this wasn’t a bad thing, just a hard thing.
I’d lie next to this Beautiful Boy and wonder at his peace, his self-assurance and complete lack of doubt. I was still unsure whether it had been the best thing to come flying into his arms. I still felt like all I deserved was to be miserable for a lot longer before I’d be allowed to move on and find such happiness. I felt guilty for being so happy and cynical about the long-term probability of this love remaining as it was: sweet, selfless and true.
Compounding the issue and also proving that no one is perfect, my Beautiful Boy snored like a beast. I’m a light sleeper at the best of times, but there I was in a foreign country, a foreign situation and working through mountains of issues, with the added sleep-depriving effect of his nightly cacophony.*
But my biggest challenge at the time was that we were in Boy’s territory now. Here was his home, his life and his recent past. His single, player, boy with a cute accent past! There were girls, memories of girls and stories of girls. In our first month together back home we had told each other everything about our romantic careers and I thought I was okay with everything, but being in the town where these stories had played out made it all the more real.
Boy wasn’t shoving it in my face but little things were bound to happen. I’d suggest a cosy looking restaurant for lunch and a look on his face would quickly explain that it was one of ‘their’ places. I’d be introduced to a nice girl, spend an evening talking to her and find out afterwards that she’s an ex’s best friend. I would download our photos onto his laptop and find old pictures of other girls. Now I’m usually not a jealous girl, but in this instance, with this Boy, it was driving me crazy.
The stories of girlfriends past also made me doubt the sincerity of our sweeping romance, as he had been as spontaneous and quick to fall in love before. There was the girl he had met in Madison and two weeks later he flew her out to SA with him for Christmas holidays. Stories like this made me wonder whether our whirlwind experience was all that different or special to him in any way. I’d been in one long steady relationship for all the years of my romantic life, while he’d been wooing, wining, dining and charming the pants off girls all over the world.
*Sweetheart that he is, he bought me industrial strength earplugs(!) which I luckily got used to soon enough.
Showing posts with label madison. Show all posts
Showing posts with label madison. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
25. hooters
The two weeks in picturesque Madison went by in a haze of happy, loved-up activity. You know those movie montages when they show the couple doing fun things, falling more in love, with a catchy up-beat love song to accompany the action? I remember it just like that!
The day I arrived we had beers on the terrace by the lake, so pretty and romantic out there in the balmy fall sunshine. I don’t know how the UW students tear themselves away to class. For supper we went out to an Afghan restaurant where I nearly nodded off over my food, but I was so content just to sit there, with Beautiful Boy’s hand never leaving mine.
We went to sports bars with dollar a beer nights, American football and rodeo on the huge TV screens. I’d tag along to Boy’s black jack games and poker evenings, one night almost taking the pot. We celebrated his roommate’s birthday at the German Essen Haus where I gamely tried to keep up with the massive jugs of beer doing the rounds. We attended an MBA golf day, as Boy wouldn’t hear of me staying home alone, so I kept score and drove the cart with his teammate while he walked! I saw my first live football game when we watched the Wisconsin Badgers beat up Michigan State. I have to post a picture of the stadium; I have never seen anything like it. The spirit of unity and enthusiasm was unbelievable.
We had hot dogs at the stadium, hamburgers everywhere and some of the best sushi I ever had at Muramoto. Boy woke me up in the mornings with coffee and croissants from the shop downstairs. We’re not that used to take-away coffee in SA so even this little gesture was fun and exciting to me. I just had to try cheese curds (deep-fried cheese, yummm) and mac and cheese pizza at Ian’s and Hooters chicken wings. I insisted on visiting this venerable American institution, just had to see it for myself. We went shopping and clubbing and watched SA take on USA in the Rugby World Cup at an Irish bar, which was packed with South African dairy farmers in town for a Dairy Conference!
Boy celebrated his 27th birthday and we partied all night, and had our first fight! He asked me if I wanted to dance downstairs or go chat upstairs. I said I didn’t mind, whatever he wanted to do. Somehow we ended up mad at each other because neither one would decide what they wanted to do. Aw, isn’t that sweet? Of course making up was even sweeter.
The day I arrived we had beers on the terrace by the lake, so pretty and romantic out there in the balmy fall sunshine. I don’t know how the UW students tear themselves away to class. For supper we went out to an Afghan restaurant where I nearly nodded off over my food, but I was so content just to sit there, with Beautiful Boy’s hand never leaving mine.
We went to sports bars with dollar a beer nights, American football and rodeo on the huge TV screens. I’d tag along to Boy’s black jack games and poker evenings, one night almost taking the pot. We celebrated his roommate’s birthday at the German Essen Haus where I gamely tried to keep up with the massive jugs of beer doing the rounds. We attended an MBA golf day, as Boy wouldn’t hear of me staying home alone, so I kept score and drove the cart with his teammate while he walked! I saw my first live football game when we watched the Wisconsin Badgers beat up Michigan State. I have to post a picture of the stadium; I have never seen anything like it. The spirit of unity and enthusiasm was unbelievable.
We had hot dogs at the stadium, hamburgers everywhere and some of the best sushi I ever had at Muramoto. Boy woke me up in the mornings with coffee and croissants from the shop downstairs. We’re not that used to take-away coffee in SA so even this little gesture was fun and exciting to me. I just had to try cheese curds (deep-fried cheese, yummm) and mac and cheese pizza at Ian’s and Hooters chicken wings. I insisted on visiting this venerable American institution, just had to see it for myself. We went shopping and clubbing and watched SA take on USA in the Rugby World Cup at an Irish bar, which was packed with South African dairy farmers in town for a Dairy Conference!
Boy celebrated his 27th birthday and we partied all night, and had our first fight! He asked me if I wanted to dance downstairs or go chat upstairs. I said I didn’t mind, whatever he wanted to do. Somehow we ended up mad at each other because neither one would decide what they wanted to do. Aw, isn’t that sweet? Of course making up was even sweeter.
Friday, September 19, 2008
24. cheese state
I finally arrived in Madison. Via Johannesburg, via Dakar, via Atlanta, but I arrived. My heartbeat was skyrocketing. Wow. It was real, in just a minute or two I would see the Beautiful Boy, be able to kiss and hold him. If I wanted to? Gulp!
As I stepped off the plane I had a peculiar out-of-body sensation, wondering for a moment what the hell I was doing in Wisconsin of all places and who was this Boy I was expecting to be there, waiting with open arms? For ten years every day and most of my choices were obvious, predictable, inevitable. Now it was all wide open and I had no guarantees.
If I hadn’t spent so much time with Boy’s family and friends in his absence, I might have run away at this point! They were the only reassurance I had that he wasn’t just some callous heartbreaking stranger looking for a good time. I mean, I’d just flown halfway round the world on the strength of a delirious month spent together and a couple of phone calls! Well, maybe rather more than a couple. Regardless, there I was, entering the arrivals hall of a tiny airport in the Cheese State of America; I had no choice but to keep on walking into this unmapped future.
When I spotted him, my heart skipped a beat. Man, he was gorgeous! He looked younger than I remembered, and taller, and sweeter, and… shy! There were many words I could use to describe the Beautiful Boy, but shy had never been one of them. It entered my mind for the first time that this must be as daunting for him as it was for me. We shyly said hello, grinning, and then Beautiful Boy did what he does best. He kissed me till my toes curled up.
As I stepped off the plane I had a peculiar out-of-body sensation, wondering for a moment what the hell I was doing in Wisconsin of all places and who was this Boy I was expecting to be there, waiting with open arms? For ten years every day and most of my choices were obvious, predictable, inevitable. Now it was all wide open and I had no guarantees.
If I hadn’t spent so much time with Boy’s family and friends in his absence, I might have run away at this point! They were the only reassurance I had that he wasn’t just some callous heartbreaking stranger looking for a good time. I mean, I’d just flown halfway round the world on the strength of a delirious month spent together and a couple of phone calls! Well, maybe rather more than a couple. Regardless, there I was, entering the arrivals hall of a tiny airport in the Cheese State of America; I had no choice but to keep on walking into this unmapped future.
When I spotted him, my heart skipped a beat. Man, he was gorgeous! He looked younger than I remembered, and taller, and sweeter, and… shy! There were many words I could use to describe the Beautiful Boy, but shy had never been one of them. It entered my mind for the first time that this must be as daunting for him as it was for me. We shyly said hello, grinning, and then Beautiful Boy did what he does best. He kissed me till my toes curled up.
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